Dreams #37

Written 11/15/08

I just woke from a very unpleasant dream. As soon as I woke I immediately felt it was about how many of the youngstars feel. This as I was thinking "Yuk, that is sooo not Me" but not thinking about anyOne/anything else.
As I was drifting off to sleep but still awake I had this sensation of a huge storm.
Then in My dream My mother and sister had to stay with Me in My cabin. It didn't look like this cabin, it was "cuter" more showy. My cabin is practical, not pretty, in the dream it was fancy etc. and it could grow bigger at need (I like that part- the magik)
So, because of a storm (same One from before dreaming???) several people were staying with Me. Apparently the storm died down and people left. It was just Me and My mom there and I asked: "So, it's not so bad here is it?" She replied with a very sarcastic and negative reply.
I totally went off, I was raging and yelling: "Fuck You BITCH" (here is the sooo not Me part)
Then it got worse, I screamed: "I love My cabin and I love MySelf since I moved here. I never loved MySelf when I lived in Your house and You never loved Me."
OK, now this has truth in it, but I can not imagine Me ever saying this to My mother, even if she were alive. And I really did not/do not like the way I felt with All this anger.
But, I think this dream is about how many kids feel.
My mom asked Me why? I said it was because I was never what "they" (parents) wanted Me to be and I could not be who I wanted to be in "their" house. I was not accepted or encouraged to be Me.
On the surface, this was not the case but at a deeper level it was and is for most of Us. This was about being totally true to MySelf and the magik stuff, the imaginary stuff that We were All (with few exceptions) taught to deny.
This would be hard for any parent to see and accept. It is however very much the seed of where many kids are coming from.
We are accepted if We are good, but what if We wanna be bad??????? Nobody encourages "their" child to be naughty. So, how does a child who wants to be naughty feel about "themSelves" and "their" parent. This feeling is embedded from infancy and is carried into old age. It is an underlying seething anger at rejection. It comes out in rage. It is an anger I was never before aware of. It is an anger that infects Us and creeps into every area of Our life if it is not acknowledged and released.
I definitely feel this dream was sent. If not from C, from someOne who knows how he feels and wanted to show Me. "They" wanted to show Me how I feel (and did not recognize) and how many others feel.